Blood & Water

Ok, lemme start off with.. IT’S BEEN A HECTIC SUMMMMERR!
Time to strap on the thinking cap and start the scholar lifee. University bond here I comee. UTSC has yet seen the makings of me :)! But I am missing the high school scene.. Nothing more comforting then the drama you make it, then the drama handed to you. Anyways, I tend to only post necessary entries to help me exhale the stress and feelings I conjure. So, listen up.. or read up.. !


Behind every person, there is a hidden story… As a child growing up, I found it very difficult to learn how to trust anyone. Mama always told me to keep people at a distance, never let them get too close to you. However, it was always a problem for me to choose the “right” friends. Since I was a little girl of 3 years old, I had a best friend – that shall remain nameless – she was like my family, treated her like blood and everything. I would have given up any time of the day for her and her family. Keeping it simple and short, she took me for granted and assumptions took over her. It wasn’t long until my temper was set off and ended that friendship. We haven’t spoken or seen each other in 3 years and just the other day she was with a group of mutual acquaintances, giving me looks like she didn’t even know me. I admit, it hurt. Since then during my teenage years, I must confess; I was known to be infamous for my actions, attitude and ignorance. There were many instances where I have cornered myself in a circle of drama with the type of friends I have chosen. It came to the point where I was hated by many, envied by some, and loved by very few. Mama also always told me, what don’t kill me will make me stronger. After the encounter of a bizarre girl drama when I just turned sweet 16, I changed my relationships with girls for a very long time. Friends were carefully chosen and analyzed. So, my personality was very blunt, simple and plain. It was either you liked it or not. It didn’t matter to me whether or not you liked or disliked me. So, I carried my hot-headed mind on my shoulders, loud and proud. I would well be the realest person you’ve met or the most unfriendly person you know. In the beginning, I’m hard to get along with.. Just to see if you deserve me at my best. If you don’t meet that expectation, don’t even bother. I have many acquaintances but only some I can call my family and friends. Trust takes so long to build, easy to break and 10 times harder to rebuild. “Blood runs thicker than water” In order for blood to form, pain is required. Water is easily accessible. And at the end of the day, which one would you prefer – the one thing you worked hard to earn for or the easy way out? Now, get me?

This is why I am the way I am.

Was it all just a Mistake?

I don’t even know where to begin. As an old chapter in my life closes, another begins. I have spent three years of my life, literally trapped in what I thought was real love. Thug love. Love that no one else has but us. Although it was evident that no one had the kind a love that I gave and the experiences that I went through. I can’t start to explain what and how completely wrong everything was. I am a woman of my words. I have been faithful since day one. You went behind my back after fighting so hard for us, and deceived me.

I feel used, played and back stabbed. Sadly, I can usually tolerate this kind of behaviour from you. But this is the last straw. I want it to be clear, that I am strong and you can’t take me down with you. I have supported you through all those years, hoping that one day we would build a future with one another. You broke it. You broke our promises. You lied.

Just recently I was bragging how our relationship was. Mentioning all the good things that came out of it. You made it seem like everything was real. When I realized that it was just real lies. It hurt baby, it really hurts. This time around, I didn’t fuss and fight. This time around I didn’t seek for answers and the truth from you. This time is going to be the realest thing out of this relationship. You know why? Because, I’m real.

Again, take this in as a consideration and not into your defense.

I’m leaving baby, there’s no more ‘we’ll talk it out.’

It ends now.

PROM '09

Fine fine, I said I wasn’t going to procrastinate and post another blog, but it’s 1:28am and I got a lot on my mind.. I just wanted to vent a little before I die in my bed!

Everyone is talking about it from the north end to the south end of Mississauga/Brampton. The talk is… PROM! Although, prom is about 3 weeks away… It is fast approaching! I haven’t even gotten my dress yet, (but that’s because I want it custom made to my perfection.) I think it’s really important for girls and guys to come out on prom night looking their very best. All the ladies looking fabulous and all the gents looking fine! But I don’t think that spending the money on prom is really worth it! Since there is a recession in our economy now, it is really hard to find the perfect dress for the occasion and spend all that extra money on rides, hair, nails, toes, make up, shoes, etc. Is it really sucha big deal that we gotta be spending at least $400 on just a night out with your high school friends!? I think not. It’s crucial that you look your best, but does that mean you gotta flaunt and pretend that you can actually afford all this just for one night that may not even be worth it.

Ok, I’m being a little bit bias here. I’m speaking through my opinions now.

1) I am not going to prom with my high school sweetheart
(literally, 3 and a half years of high school)
2) I am going with a friend
3) Friends + I are not going in a limo
4) My date and I are not matching
5) My last two years of high school was dramatic
6) Even after prom, teachers don’t give you slack.
7) No one wants to host an after party

So my point is, if it seems like my prom night isn’t all that. Some people don’t even go to their prom and not regret it one bit later in their lives. I find it overrated, time consuming, stressful and so not the drama. Prom night, dressing up and looking fine isn’t really the highlite of your prom.. It’s the after party! (And even I don’t know what’s going on with that T_______T”)

Aside from that, my eighteenth birthday is the weekend right after prom! I think that’s going to be a bigger success to my own party than my high school prom! … Then right after there’s the dreadful exams (great! FML.)

TEMPORARY ! UNCONSTRUCTION !

Loong time, no type-y... LOL!

Yeah, I know I need a new blog -- STAT! So this is just a temporary blog until probably June. Lately, it seems like so much to do and so little time! It’s like time flies without even knowing it. I literally spent a whole day just going to school, running errands and doing laundry (despite, the 2 week old laundry that I have not done!) I don’t like writing and reading blogs that don’t mean anything – like how my day is going and what I did… I like more meaning to blogs. I have so much to rant about but just not enough time to put all my thoughts in words.

(This is the part I tell you about my schedule)

But seriously, bare with me world!

MAY SCHEDULE
FRI 1 --
SAT 2 -- QUEENA'S BDAY
SUN 3 -- GUELPH HUMBER LYNC OPEN HOUSE
MON 4 -- NIGHT SCHOOL
TUES 5 -- HAMLET CONFERNECE (PHONE/EMAIL)
WED 6 -- HAMLET PRESENTATION/NIGHTSCHOOL
THUR 7 -- IDC TEST/ IDC ISU&PRESENTATION MEETING @ LIBRARY
FRI 8 -- ENG TEST
SAT 9 --
SUN 10 -- MOTHER'S DAY
MON 11 -- NIGHTSCHOOL
TUES 12 -- IDC PRESENTATION MEETING
WED 13 -- NIGHTSCHOOL
THURS 14 -- STEVEN& I'S 39TH MONTH/ IDC MEETING
FRI 15 – MEETING WITH TEACHER (HOSTING PROM)
SAT 16 -- HOPEFULLY A REST DAY! (yn)
SUN 17 -- GO EVENT @ BODY ENGLISH
MON 18 -- GIRL'S BBQ BDAY
TUES 19 -- IDC PRESENTATION MEETING
WED 20 -- IDC PRESENTATION/ NIGHTSCHOOL EXAM
THURS 21 -- IDC PRESENTATION CONFERENCE (PHONE/EMAIL)
FRI 22 -- IDC PRESENTATION/ WONDERGRAD
SAT 23 -- WORK ON ENG ISU/ IDC MEETING (VIDEOSHOOT)
SUN 24 -- WORK ON ENG ISU/GET MY TAT YEEEE!
MON 25 -- ENG ISU ESSAY DUE/ NIGHTSCHOOL EXAM
TUES 26 -- IDC PRESENTATION MEETING
WED 27 -- NIGHTSCHOOL EXAM REVIEW
THURS 28 -- UNIVERSITY ACCEPTANCE CONFIRMATION DUE
FRI 29 -- IDC CHP PRESENTATION
SAT 30 -- WORK ON ENG ISU PRESENATION
SUN 31 -- WORK ON ENG ISU PRESENTATION

JUNE SCHEDULE
MON 1 – PUT EVERYTHING TOGETHER FOR ENG ISU
TUES 2 -- ENG ISU PRESENTATION
WED 3 -- IDC CHP PRESENATION
THURS 4 -- SKIPPING TO GO TO WONDERLAND
FRI 5 -- PROM (ALL DAY BUSY, HAIR, MAKE UP, BLAH BLAH NON-SENSE SHIT)
SAT 6 -- DEAD
SUN 7 -- DEAD
MON 8 – REVIVE FROM DEAD
TUES 9 – IDC ISU PRESENTATION
WED 10 -- STUDY FOR EXAMS
THURS 11 -- STUDY FOR EXAMS
FRI 12 -- THE PARTYING BEGINGS
SAT 13 -- I TURN FUCKN 18 YEEEE! (DINNER PARTY)
SUN 14 -- DEAD
MON 15 -- DEAD
TUES 16 -- STUDY FOR EXAMS
WED 17 -- EXAMS STARTS
THURS 18 -- STUDY FOR EXAMS
FRI 19 -- STUDY FOR EXAMS

And sometimes, it’s not the whole day I do that specific task. I have mini things to do in between it to kill time or what ever. Like chores, errands, driving around, planning stuff, etc. I didn’t think that the last year of highschool would be this hectic! ERKS! I thought it was suppose to be fun!! LIES! I haven’t been on a trip with the school yet and haven’t planned MY summer plans! I just want to get this stressful period of my life!! UGHS! And on top of that, people are really starting to get on my nerves (will vent and rant after my mind is focused on my first priorities)

New Perception, Old Decisions…

OK, so ew, I know. I talk about love and relationships too much.. But considering that I have been in a three year relationship at such a young age, with a guy that put me through the amazing and misery.. I think I deserve to rant a little about what the reality of it is. And I have found it very difficult to open up to some of my closest friends and family about this because - well, most of them don’t approve of my complicated choices and don’t want to hear about my ‘fucked up’ relationship problems anymore. So blogging is what I have left to rant to :) I have summarized love into three words: sacrifice, commitment and devotion. It has taken me a long time to realize that in a relationship it takes a lot of work and time to satisfy your self needs and the needs of your partner. I’m not saying that the experience was a waste, nor was it bad. For me, everything in life happens for a good reason and regrets are only for the little things in life – like, “Oh shit I forgot to do my homework.. And now I’m going to fail.” As for this, it is definitely not something insignificant. I had to go through a series of events and obstacles to have triggered my perception of love and relationships. Now I can really say, “I learned it the hard way.”

There’s always that saying in a relationship, “here we go again!” This could mean, cheating, lying, deceiving, interrogating, etc. We all end up in a hypocritical position when giving advice to another girl friend or boy friend. I always find myself caught in that situation where I give the advice… then go back on my words and maybe take my own words into consideration. This is where my new perceptions evolve, and my old decisions kick in. Although, he is a flirt, a jerk at times, plays hard to get, thinks he’s a gangster, can’t control his anger, his voice annoys me and a majority of the times blames his faults on me… I still can’t let go of the love that we built together. I find it extremely hard to move forward from the past and forget about the history that we had.

How ironic that I get a blog comment from Nguyenn_TT, on my previous blog entry just less than a week ago, judging me and my opinions. So here is your little, but much needed explanation.

Do I still stay with him even though he likes those types of girls? Well, I guess I had to try myself then right? If I had the opportunity to experience the life of an import model (the type of models that lay all over the cars in skimpy outfits that guys ALWAYS drop dead for...), well of course I had to grab it! I'm the type of person that has to grasp the concept of something for my own. I did what I felt would satisfy my curiosity and it just so happens, it isn't who I am. My love and passion remains with the ones that had been there since the get-go and will still support me even through the rough times, such as this one itself. I don't regret doing what I was meant to experience, I learn from it and grow. I don't sit myself behind a screen and judge people, I only make judgments on facts. FYI - that experience was exceptionally SHORT. So take it in as you like.

New perceptions: Every time something like this happens, I learn to accept the situation and view it from another point of view. Even though I am unsure about what is going to happen next, I accept it the best way that I could and progress with what I got.

Old decisions: The accepting and new view points don’t change the fact that I am still going to have faith in him, that one day despite all the difficulties and obstacles – We will conquer.

What is Love?

It is somewhat clear that love in this time period is interpreted as a strong emotion mixed with sexual intercourse of some kind. According to the media and what is 'love' in today's society we would have to have a sexual, physical connection to our partner.. Or it's not possible to have 'feelings' for the other person.. But.. How does that explain this?

During the world war series in the 1900's, men were put out in wars, fighting for their own and loved ones lives. Imagine the kind of sexual connection they had with their soul partner. NONE. Love letters and literature was the only source of affection they had for one another. That why only the deepest and most beautiful love poems are dated 100+ years ago! Men devoted their hearts and souls to the one they love. In many cases men only had one wife and spent their whole lives together working out the complications and difficulties. It was even illegal and strongly looked down upon to get a divorce in that time period. Once you are married to that one person, you are committed to the relationship, no matter what situations or obstacles came in between, their love was inevitable. How is it that therapists and psychologist state that sexual intercourse are very crucial in 'love', when life before the 20th century was NOTHING like what we interpret love to be now.

My point is that love is way more than what our media is feeding to the society. 'Sex sells' and girls in lingerie, bikinis and having dry sex in music videos are completely appropriate to the society!? FTW?! And come to think of it, that's why our men today are so hard to please, they keep wanting more and more from us. Why is it that we have to sexually please them before they even start saying, 'I love you.' Then you have woman who are promoting this behaviour and asking the same questions, and referring men to 'dogs' and 'jerks'. WE expose it to them! Back in the days when men were even aroused by the very sight of just a woman's ankles, and now we'd have to strip to nothing to even turn them on..

IF YOU THINK THIS WAY ABOUT WHAT LOVE IS. YOU ARE MERELY A SAD INDIVIDUAL.

Definition of Love.

LOVE.

I have come across this meaning of ‘love’ over and over again. Is it really what it’s perceived as? In ancient history, it was often described as an overwhelming power that beats the human condition. Love was a very powerful meaning that questioned a lot of philosophers and writers. However, in our modern society, it is diction as something else...

Love /lʌv/ Pronunciation [luhv] , verb, loved, lov⋅ing.
–noun
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5. used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like.
6. a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.
7. sexual intercourse; copulation.
8. (initial capital letter) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.
9. affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.
10. strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.
11. the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.
12. the benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.
13. Chiefly Tennis. a score of zero; nothing.
14. a word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L.

–verb (used with object)
15. to have love or affection for: All her pupils love her.
16. to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person).
17. to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in: to love music.
18. to need or require; benefit greatly from: Plants love sunlight.
19. to embrace and kiss (someone), as a lover.
20. to have sexual intercourse with.

–verb (used without object)
21. to have love or affection for another person; be in love.

… And yes, the list does go on. So what do I think of love?

It’s not that I, myself, take the word that seriously. I mean it’s used widely with different meanings. Some are misleading and misinterpreted, than you have some that may stick on you for a life time. – I ‘LOVE’ cheesecake. I ‘LOVE’ my phone. I ‘LOVE’ the weather. I ‘LOVE’ reading. And best of all, I ‘LOVE’ the idea of being ‘in love’.

‘You cannot love someone else, until you have learned to love yourself.’
Or
‘You cannot help others, until you have learned to help yourself.’

Does that even make sense? What does that really mean? I have pondered about this quote for a long period of time now. What if just helping the other person before helping yourself, IS helping them in the end. And what if that goes for love too, what if loving that person before loving yourself.. helps you love yourself even more. You get what I'm trying to say? Who is to tell me that you cannot love or help the other person before you do so yourself.